Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
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interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
4 pm:
5 pm:
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7 pm:
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9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: