Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
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Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Something Saturday.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
was Jim off killing horses or…
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.