friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
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A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Perfect
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
#oldknees
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.