Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
You Might Also Like
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My apathy is at an all time whatever.