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Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Weirdly Wednesday.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
only 11 steps left
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***