birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.