My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way