cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
#Caturday
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?