Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
You Might Also Like
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
79.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
i hope my email finds you on fire
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.