Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
incredible
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.