me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
You Might Also Like
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid