me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
PLOT TWIST:
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so