Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
no refunds
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them