[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
i love meeting boys on tinder
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.