Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
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4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
*has no idea what a book even is*
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.