Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
A small tragedy.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Would you wear it?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK