I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
You know I’m something of a chef myself
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.