If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.