Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn