Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.