The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Fries, not lies.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
i really liked this one
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.