Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
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[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!