Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon