waiting for halloween be like:
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I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If looks could kill
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.