There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
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[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people