Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!