Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
😎 🍻
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
*limbos under the caution tape
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.