“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
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My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
#dalle2
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
sliding into dms like
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…