Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens