humans only use 10% of their treadmills
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Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Just why bro?!
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.