9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*cough*
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.