some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
pizza
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
*puts my mental health in rice
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.