me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
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Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?