Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
You Might Also Like
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.