I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
me before I type out affect or effect
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!