Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again