“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
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Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Body by cheese-puffs.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.