I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.