I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
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Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
can’t catch a break
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
dude killed a sea lion with his bike