teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser