I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Bread puns are on the rise!
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.