My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
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Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Software Development ⛵️
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look