And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
When you’ve simply given up.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
ok this is my dumbest yet
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.