Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
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If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.