Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what