Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive