Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Finally!
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey