ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
You Might Also Like
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??