[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
You Might Also Like
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.