Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
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Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen